12232010 walk in the dark

I walked around my neighborhood tonight in shorts and a jacket..it was not even 60 outside. my dog was alseep, i would have walked him and become a bit upset with him because he cant stop smelling and licking my neighbors xmas lights. he is a goofball. My best friend as well.
They say you cant train an old dog new tricks..bullshiiit. my dad can text.
I trained and have been giving Kobe commands using an LED light i use when i walk. if its dark and a car drives by i want them to see me and me' pup. Im out of the city and teenagers are stupid at night in new cars and loud lousy pop music, so i keep my light.          but its nice not having to use it and adjust to the darkness.
In this darkness i really love it, i can experience the fear, and then at times when im not inside paranoia i relize there is nothing to be afraid of. Tonight was good, even without Kobe. I focused on how i was walking and others i felt were all doing there own thing.
I cant let my belief that others are colaborating against my efforts. From everyone i work with who suffers from schizo related illness's, including myself, i have concluded that having a fear that others can hear/read your thoughts, and that even those you love the most are after you, are very very common amongst these symptoms of paranoia.
paranoia being fear.
Paranoid=Being in Fear.

The thing that scares most people the most is death. I do not fear death, and not as a prideful thing too. I fear more having to watch and suffer the destruction of all the people and things i love. I dont want to feel the badness again. My worst fear is loosing control and making this a reality.
stating ones worst fear can be very scary, i have met with my brothers and talked of this. we feel it is important to know. for preporation.

i dont fear death. my knowledge of what will happen is vauge as is everyones to an extent. everyday i live i know a bit more, and learn every lesson. i learned not to expect pain and fear from coming into the woods, whilst the whispering anger and wide eyes in numb limbs..this only makes it true. I take a breath and try and smile. that is the first step, the hard part is over. There isnt fear, its an illusion (along with the number 2) happiness and love is real. when i walked down that mountain and out of the woods, i didnt walk away from the fear, i walked into love, and i began the next chapter, the next door, maybe the next life.
i dont know what can be next, but i have a choice in how to accept it, and how to put my hand on the door. i doubt i should know as well.


the walk was good, its still hot as all murder. my moms birthday is over and now its The Night Before Xmas.

iloveyou