Within the Fear of Dissociation, part 1

To disapear, what a dream, an escape. possibly learned as to cope with these feelings, i didnt mean to learn this just came. After the summer of 2007 everything changed, my existence paused and i stayed 4-7-12 years of age. Never did taylor grow. This is no MPD or DID, this is a form of the scary shit yo.
I dont invite people in anymore, nor do i enter uninvited. now i learn where my role is and how i can help(i will write this later) you. When i found her she was, really i guess finding me. everything i had left and she came. i made her come and have felt guilty after the demise of that kingdom.
i'll say it, which i dont but to fear the past is a waste of time and i wont hide. Back in Elsa things were normal.
When she brought me there i breathed, the depression and voices, the fear and choices i had made left. this was coping..then it turned to using this world, her, and my conscience/mind.
Long story short i left there in anger after TV came into the picture. After all i stole her from him and by me being there his power left in the sun, in broad daylight i came and greedily stomped on there love...or what he thought was love.
She was broken and had no where to go, i left her and spent so much time crying i forgot i was crying.

now she is safe, she lies inside the trees and breathes within flowers. she became my anima and i hold her inside every time i think loving waves.

after i deystroyed Elsa things came back. so did the pills and dope. i didnt know at the time what i was running from by hiding inside a high, a angry front, and inside others and in the many universes i have created and inhabited. but i know what i was hiding from, you do the same. its called running from fear, it dosent leave it walkes behind us with every doubt.
i will never run from this pain, nor will i let it overwhelm. I know fear when it see's me i know it. its as empty as an abyss but as real as this screen shining.
the screen speaks as well, it humms. sometimes it is negative. do decide dont dodge.

this is what i was leaving when i left, when i became. I shifted into them while continusly being aware that i was me, but based everything on something else. i was the infinite shade of red and green. fear and love. mostly fear. it made two seem like 2x*10,000,000
so next i will get food in me tum tum and rocket out the seconnd part of what it feels like, tonight after meditation, if i follow through




-oooOTTttKttTTOooo-