2007 august
2008 during hurricane Ike
2009 summer
2010 October, harvest moon
1991 the doctoring of my view
Im older than dying stars, and younger than twenty laps around our center star. im older than my skin and younger than my liver. Im older than my mother, but younger than her father.
this isnt a riddle. time is supposedly relative, and i enjoy this. I very welly dislike clocks and watches (i have a shiny one though) but support and have fallen in love with time as how i understand it.
in relation to distance, movment, and i like to think emotion creates time. Time flys when you are having fun. it can also stop hard and cold when faced with fear. i wont fear, i may stand within it but it passes and without hiding, fighting, or accepting should i observe? im learning. but i know my time, i experiance is NOT in sync with this physical world or anyone else i have ever met in this realm.
in 2008 two days turned into what i knew as two years.
That boy i was ran away from home one night. with no warning whatsoever. i was with my family at schlotzskys and the moon looked at me and made sense of what i was lying about to myself. Hmm...i need to leave.
on the way home in the dark with the music going my body began to tingle ad hope and pain and ecstacy rapidly circulated. i thought this time i know it is mental. i AM crazy and why is this happening. reality and everything/everyone in it seemed irrelevant to my desire. i needed to think, or thinking wanted me.
i remember but dont because some things happened that never happened to you. wherever you were that evening i was not there. i was in my room, seeing the council. feeling my decissions. i was in a hallucination, inside myself i left and saw it was safe. i took my bike and rode far away. into the woods and back through neighborhoods. i came to a mountain i knew and floated up to the top, fighting what was at the time the pursuit on my goal..i didnt know what i was to do.
as the sun and moon chased me i realized that my family was not who they said they were, they were not my family. This is a lie of course, here. my family loved and worried to an extreme i never wished upon them. i feel the pain in my gut even seeing my mothers tears once they found me. I believed that the hurricane Ike was a media cover up so my family could come to stay with us and that she would come to kill me. to take me away and lock me up. to never let me go and everyone would forget. i wouldnt matter. I was loosing control on my grasp inside this world and on the mountain. I watched the cars with my eyes when the sun rose, i didnt see it. a blur the world was as i was inside fighting the woods, and the coyotes. i grew to find my palace and spent the time alone skipping through important moments. some things i cant say, and i appolagize but you would thank me if u know what i have seen. i was a pokemon trainer...i guess it made sense, i was a slayer of evil and protected the never ending forest, i made love to the woman of my dreams and she left me, but told me i would always have her. she stayed in the shadows and offered a whisper in the darkness.
so i believe i was gone and everything that i knew before was more like a story, a fairytale. i had no family or earth but i knew what it was. it was irrelevant and diddnt matter. I came down with face paint, scratches and cuts, a missing sock and no bike. my pupils grew two time there size. i stood on the road and a car pulled over. i spoke but felt like i just watched myself talk to him. the police showed up and then my family. i left and went to the hospital. i was 17 and had been there before. It was surreal and i kept leaving and remembering how i left there, in my mind, on the mountain. Coming back into reality, this pyhsical realm was a very bumpy one. i stayed in the addholecent unit and was very close by weeks would have been in the adult unit.
i was fortunate, but had symptoms that as they grew never went away. the voices never stopped and this might have been the beginning of dissociating, or at least a brief early episode. drug use continued, this year was a rememberance of how quick things can change. now i feel the rapid change in my body and know when to keep calm and go home or sleeeep it off.
dont fear if you have felt this, it was a brief peril. it waas a speed bump and i remember it happened and happened, meaning that is is over. in some ways its numbing. there are a million people who live with a mind that can cause unreal sounding chaos, it is so much better now. this seemed like ages ago but i needed to put this down.
excuse. this was fastly written and i think all my entries are..so thats my excuse to myself for myself
much love, Thinking Kool
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