The Madness

The Madness

When i was 16 i was placed in a building, searched, stripped, fed, and medicated.
This was for my safety and i am thankful, i am also thankful it is over.
but whatever my brain is it is a constant influence that has the potential to destroy.
and i don't destroy, i mend.

But destruction is a form of creation, and i destroyed those parts of myself.
in order to create new.

It took three months of a buildup before my stay in the hospital, i quit smoking marijuana by choice. When i was depressed it only heightened my already extreme anxiety, i smoked a lot and was running out of money. I had difficulty talking to my friends anymore and they figured it was just the weed, i was sinking into my head.
I remember telling my good friend, still to this day, that i thought i was loosing touch with reality. When we drove around during classes i noticed certain people looking at me, they began to all look familiar..this seemed odd.

The last day of school wasn't special. I didn't expect it to be, i was suffering from major depression and doing nothing about it, i hadn't smiled or felt happy in a long time. Ecstasy didn't help that at all, never did, never will. I remember that last day i just walked outside and didn't even look for any friends, i went to my mom's car and went home. and that wasn't unusual.

I was home alone with my sisters if they weren't out with there friends, this became comfortably numb. I was very sad, over everything which was minor in perspective but it hit me where i was weak. I saw myself as weak, a loser, no one likes me and those who do i didn't. I was annoying to everyone i talked to and looked like a little kid. I was stupid and gave up too easy, i had no moves with the "ladies" and was overall a big disappointment, and i had a lot i could become. but i just wasn't good enough.

This was bullocks, and it was covered in a shit-toned lie i thought continually about myself. This became a wide river which negative energy flew into. This all rushed into my loss of attachment and previous drug use, along with timing, stress-ors, and genetics. I was a perfect pod for the development of a major mental disorder of the Schizo breed.

Thats when i started hearing things.
I had paranoia at night when i saw out my window, i felt someone/something looking in at me. i could almost see eyes. it was really just one eye though, the whole time. So i closed the blinds which didn't help either. I heard my neighbors on occasion and what not in a regular neighborhood, but i heard laughter from girls and the sound of drunk guys with them. it sounded like they were up to no good. I figured that it was kids down the street, this happened just about every night at random hours. I heard my house creak, as always but it got louder and longer. it seemed really loud sometimes like it was right next to me. Shadows of people would apear on the blinds, this was very scary to me. I went and checked this one night and nothing was there except quite. that was almost worse, i started feeling suspicious from then on, even during the day.

I felt as though everyone treated me differently, i got generally more uneasy and developed slight insomnia, no sleep or barely any. Eye contact from others reinforced my belief that others hated me. This depression began in 7th grade and was near its worst.

I Started sleeping on the floor of my folks room, on a small mattress, so that i could "watch TV"..i was too scared to be alone.

I remember one night it was raining and once it was over i turned off the tv set. i laid in bed and heard the dripping off a faucet. the sound had a color to it..i never felt that before. This scared me it began to hiss and warp into a stretching sound and a loud noize. it hurt.

My paranoid ideas fed into themselves, i saw people in cars with camera's pointed at me when they drove by,  i didn't like windows or mirrors. they were outside at night ant watched me in my reflection. I was irritable, scared and angry from this. This was very real to me and i became delusional in thinking this was our government. But why, why me..

I came to believe that i have been being followed, taped, watched, poisoned etc. because of something i will do in the future, this was when i was 16. Our government had a squad or a devision that operated in cases about things the public had no knowledge of, this is true but not in this case. This squad knew that i would do something big and had to stop me somehow. I didn't know there plan but it was harming me mentally and physically. (lack of sleep and exhaustion) So they were from the future, or had been there or at least had knowledge of. which may seem crazy. What i would do i didn't know, but i knew i wouldn't do anything bad.

I heard them at night talking over radios about me, they were down the street in vans i would see drive by. They were always following me. i found micro chips they put in my house to make me hear things others didn't. That summer there were a lot of flies and i thought they were camera's that the gov used to spy on me.

I pulled open a fly once i caught it and pored hydrogen peroxide on it and mouthwash, and pulled off its wings to show them i wasn't afraid. this act of violence truly showed my extreme state of delusional fear.

Eventually i saw them in my backyard posted with guns, they had yelled at me to get on the ground, and i just felt terrible and wanted to die.

i told my mom what was happening after i convinced myself i had to talk about it, i thought they were listening so i wrote her notes back and forth. We saw doctors for weeks and they had no idea what was happening to me. Out of the blue while we were seeing gone doctor he said i should go to a psychiatric hospital to get help, we said when and he said tonight.

i was there about 4 days and came out with relief that it wasn't happening ant that i was only insane. A lot of it didn't end and i have worked A LOT since then and am maintaining what i see as good health for someone living with what i have.
I say this because of what has happened recently.





In October i had an awakening of thinking in realizing what my fears were and it that i must put an end to self induced painful thinking. i became centered and you would say spiritual. I have seen why and where i came from to this point and that i didn't want to suffer, nor anyone else i cared for. I understood that the number and principle "TWO" is an illusion. Peace and love and all thats nice was my future, and i had the power to create it. I cant explain the emotions i felt as i cried or the visuals i had closed and open eyed. the mirror spoke.

This lead to where i am today and have very recently dealt with and re-dealt with excessive paranoia. Everything came back i saw all the things i thought about the government come true to me, i saw this parallel and a might.  dissociative experiences took me very far away and somewhat back again. I feel and see and hear it and what it says but we all think about the badness.

I know that when i was 16 i saw a lot of messed up things happen, a lot of messed up things only happen to me, and a lot of them did happen, and the only thing that shadow government would have tried to stop already happened. that was me waking up in October.


PeaceLoveLightT.hingsK.anChange