2007

as my sophmnore year was ending i was doing the usual for myself. this involved alot of pills in my belly and weed in my lungs. i was single and alone. sure i had friends but they didnt know me, in fact no one did. i was spiraling into a deep depression that started in middle school. back in middleshcool i developed symptoms of depression usually resulting in anxiety low self esteem . these are common charactoristics among teenagers as well my case was just on steroids. i was always nervous and felt like i wass a nerd. that is something i hated i wished so hard to be cool, flitry, and popular. 
now looking back upon how my mind thought i am noticing the first signs of negitive self image. i was obsessive about what people thought about me and looked at everything with a negative light. it was all or nothing . 
and i write that to show the first sighns of this challenge. now back to 2007
the depression set in and began to affect my grades i failed nearly every class and was loosing relationships the only people i stayed in contact with were my using friends and we would just get high together. i would smoke and pop to feel different i couldndt stand the unhappieness and feelings of being alone. i lost intrest in everything eventually in work, school, women, family, art, music, and in myself. this self hatred was born 
"it is my fault no one likes me, it is mmy fault i feel bad, i deserve this ."
everything was getting worse weed no longer did it for me it began to backfire. when i would get stoned i began to hear music errie music like at a carnival or a circus, no one else heard it. i would have freaked out or wuestioned it but i just didnt care. there was never a smile upon my face. mary jane only increased my anxiety i developed thoughts that everyone was watching me and judging me.thiss hurt. 
i told myself i would quit smoking weed, it only made me worse. so i began using pain killers. hydrocodonnn and vicodin. this suficed for a while it didnt keep me calm it just felt batter. i ran out of money just as i started craving it more. weed was always there but i hated it . i coulndt quit it was a drug and i was an addict
when the weed wore off i became paranoid and it lasted for a long time. day after day i did this. school was ending and i wanted to be be gone. i finished my finals and went home with only a gram left in my pocket. it disapeared quickly and i sobered up. but this time i wass sober it was different i felt worse then before. i spent the days with only my two little sisters we watched stupid day time shows on the tube and ate sandwitches.
suddenly within a week my paranoia levels hightened i heard people talking around corners and woiulnd beliee i was going crazy. it felt just like the bad drugs. whispers turned into voices and i started noticing patterns on things. 
inside i felt scared i started to try and make sense of these things. i wouldnt believe i was crazy it wouldnt happen to me. i thought that i was being watched. watched by the government i would here police talking and saying that they were coming after me. i had no reason to believe this but it was the only thing that seemed to make sense. 
i would lay awake at night suffering from insomnia. i would see shadows in my window walking around and and saying my name.  it was terrible i never slept and became paranoid to leave the house. we would go to schlotzkys and the ride over i realized that there were cameras inside the car. inside the AC and they were watching me. i never looked in there pretending not to notice so they wouldnt know i knew. every  day got worse it was almost measurable. 
i will discuss what i was scared of later.
the first visual
i was in my room drawing and i hear screaming, i looked out the window and saw two cop cars pull into my driveway and they got out and drew there weapons, yelling for me to get on the ground. in panic i fell to the floor. next evrything was sinelnt. i pulled my head up and saw my driveway was empty and clear. it never happened. that was the visual that stuck with me. i have changed rooms in the house but when i enter i continue to feel the feeling of fear quite in the dark.
this lead to more rationalizing and i developed a master plan.-ZZEERROO